Some days, I just want to be mean. I want to say what I’m thinking, I want to scream, I want to be rude, I want to be someone that I’m not. Some days, my temper is short. My fuse is easily lit, and my last nerve, at its best, is frayed. These are the days I need Jesus the most. A lot of these days, I fail. I fail Him and I fail myself.
I grew up in a home where I was constantly berated by my step father. At the age of 13, I lost it and began snapping back. I’ll never forget the look on his face the first time I came back at him. He was shocked, disrespected and absolutely infuriated. He turned blood red and wanted to hit me. You could see it in his eyes. He stormed out of the house and my mother looked at me as though I had lost my mind. I didn’t care. He wasn’t going to talk to me like that anymore. That was the moment I began to demand respect and if he wasn’t going to respect me, then like hell was I going to respect him.
I guess somewhere down the line I began to bear the characteristics of someone that has been through emotional abuse. It’s something that you carry in you everyday. You tend to attract narcissistic people. You know how to come back at people, but you aren’t really sure how to stand up for yourself to begin with, so you end up looking as though you are the crazy one. It’s one of the most tragic cycles we can find ourselves in, and the hardest to break. We have to learn to stop and make every single thought a conscious one. We have to chose to break the cycle not every day, but every single moment. We fail, and simply have to get ourselves back on track.
It’s worth it for ourselves to fight through and break the hateful streak they placed in us. We’re worth more than they ever thought we could be.