I Chose This Life… but That Doesn’t Make It Easy.

I wish someone would have told me. I wish I would have thought to prepare myself. I didn’t expect to carry the weight of the circumstances on me like bricks around my neck. I wish I could have known the line I was standing in was to one of the worst roller coasters I could have ever imagined. Yet here I am. Sitting on this roller coast with bricks around my neck, feeling every little jerk as we make our way back to the top, knowing at any moment we will simply plummet back to the ground. When we do, it will hurt. It will feel as those the earth was ripped from beneath your feet and the bricks landed on top of you.
A bad dream? No. Simply foster care.
The past few months of being a foster mom have been more overwhelming than I ever could have imagined. Many days, it was the sheer thought of what would happen to these kids if I walked away because it was “too much”. Yet the love I have for them has kept me holding on. Even on the worst days.
In foster parent classes, they tell you to prepare yourself because it’s messy and hard. That you you have to be the calm, the stability for these kids. Y’all that is so much harder than I ever could have believed it to be.
There are so many nights I’ve cried in the shower, ate ice cream straight from the carton, and said I needed to run to the store at ten p.m. so I could simply breathe. Seeing the littles pulled this way and that, seeing how it affects their little hearts and minds, it’s all too much for a sane person to handle. These foster moms, I knew they were a tough bunch but these women are amazing.
A common thread I’ve realized is that when you walk into foster care you have a ton of support pledged. If you need me’s kind of thing. Yet, when you are in the depths of care, that support system is no where to be found. Thank you Jesus for sister mamas in the foster world. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve know each other, or how different you case may be, they get it. They get it in a way that no one else ever could. When you put out that hey you have a new placement, or you need this for a placement or I’m hitting a wall and need help. They are there. They know what it’s like to rearrange your entire house six times to accommodate the latest placement. They know what you mean when you say things like “we are dealing with after visit behaviors” They don’t flinch when you need someone to talk about traumas with. They put their judgements aside and say “You are strong mama. You got this.”
The roller coast of foster care is harsh. It’s hard. It’s celebrating every bit you can out of the good days and learning from the bad ones. It’s jumping for joy over little things and major moments. It’s finding joy and forgetting the bad. It’s speaking up when you don’t even want to be in the room. It’s finding strength and peace in places you never thought you’d have to.
It’s being heartbroken for everyone involved. It’s having your heart crushed. It’s getting so incredibly angry that you can’t stand to sit down. It’s feeling so hopeless, so helpless, so at a loss of control that you have no choice but to pray to God and lean on him. Yet, it’s knowing that even you end up with a broken heart it was all worth it simply because you were there for a child when that child had no one that could be there.

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